Ashley Madison: doing everything but the numbers, apparently

So, a few days back, it came to light that a public-spirited group of extortionists had hacked a website catering to marital infidelity with a brand name much like, ummm, Mashley Addleson. They kindly offered not to release the names of everybody signed up to the site in exchange for a whack of cash.

The web, predictably, went Twitteristic.

In a similarly public-spirited vein, I gather that Mashley Addleson has since contacted individual users with offers to do a "full delete" that would vacuum out all trace of an account. For smaller, individual whacks of cash.

Terrific philanthropists, all of 'em...

And as ummm, investigative journalists everywhere started delving deeper into this event, it also arose that the site was claiming some 200,000 subscribers in Ottawa, or one in five residents. According to one Brit rag possessed of ethics nearly as dubious as Mashley's, that figure would make this sleepy burg the world's "love rat capital".

After pondering on that for longer than I shoulda, I looked up 2011 Statistics Canada census figures for the Ottawa Census Metropolitan Area.

So I obviously have waaay too much time on my paws, but this whole story really does beg the question: why the hell hasn't anybody in the media bothered to do this? ** It was like, 20 minutes' work, even allowing for the fact that paws and keyboards do not play well together. Easy story! Just, maybe, not a sexy story. Since a CMA isn't just the city whose name it takes -- a CMA extends beyond city boundaries proper -- I figured that the cachement area would roughly cover people in surrounding small towns who might craftily list their residence as "Ottawa". Because that's just the kind of convenient little cover story that the thinking cheater might figure would reduce their chances of being identified and outed in a smaller place.

Say, "Russell Township" or "Ashton Station" or something. Small towns bein' what they are, everybody in one likely has thoughts about which of the neighbours might be foolin' around, but no sense in giving 'em outright confirmation, right?

Now, as an ancient coyote whose eyes are now nearly as fuzzy as his ass, I am certainly open to the possibility that I'm misreading a government statistical agency table. I am therefore open to correction. *

Since the current government screwed over the reliability of the official census some time back, the government statistical agency is also open to correction. But I digress. Where the hell was I? Oh, yeah. So, anyway, what I think I'm seeing is a total of 411,110 people who are married/common-law in this CMA.

Which means that according Mashley Addleson, on average close to 1 in every 2 married persons in Ottawa CMA is steppin' out. Doin' the dirty. Bonkin' outta wedlock. Which seems, you know, a touch... flagrant. If not downright delicto.

Of course, there are other takes on the situation. When I confided my doubts to the Independent Observer (remember him...? We still talk.) he, being of a practical frame of mind, just waved his hand and said, "Should we trust the statistics of a company that encourages cheating...?"

Oh yeah. Right. Nevermind...

*... So it turns out, inevitably, that after that pretty little sketch of Census Metropolitan Areas, someone with a far more obsessive eye for detail than I has pointed out that I did not in fact use CMA figures, or link to them. The numbers are for Ottawa, the city proper.

But it also transpires, happily, that the fragrant flagrance of that one-in-two ratio holds. So there's that.

Figures. Us coyotes are not built for trapping errors. In my defence I will say that we are exquisitely tuned to catch small rodents, partridges, grouse and your cat. On the fly! But owls? Don't get me started on owls. Them things is fiends...

** Although, to the eventual satirical credit of the Last Week Tonight research team, John Oliver finally did...

And now a message from the Party of Fiscal, ummm, Responsibility...

Just, maybe, not the definition of responsibility they thought they meant. . .

Isabella Street Bloblaws is Back

We can confirm that Mayor Jim Watson did indeed show up to cut the ribbon. As if you had to ask.

The Isabella Street branch of a national grocery chain styled under the corporate identity of something very much like "Bloblaws", felicitously located past the Queensway overpass at the south end of Elgin Street, has returned with its walls kicked out and gussied up, and its consumer mojo intact, after being MIA for the past four months.

We can confirm, as eyewitnesses, that Mayor Jim Watson indeed showed up to cut the ribbon, ahead of a lineup that ran out to Metcalfe Street - and beyond.  And that our much-maligned tail got stomped again, in the frenzied crowd of shoppers stocking up on re-opening specials.

We can also confirm that they still sell the really very good President's Choice tomatillo salsa verde, unreasonably beloved of coyotes everywhere, for a regular price of $2.99 for a 430 mL jar.

This is greatly welcome, since the nearest alternate purveyor of said comestible,  Hartman's YIG, jacked the stuff up to a off-the-peg insane, ummm, slightly unreasonable, price of about double that, sometime shortly after PC added a near imperceptible soupçon of lime juice to the recipe, and a quasi-swanky-lookin' black background to the paper label pasted to the outside of the jar. So, obviously worth it.

We wish Hartman's luck with that.  Us coyotes will happily revert to shopping elsewhere, further south and slightly east.

BREAKING NEWS

Coyote spotted driving in downtown Ottawa

At first he doesn't see me (what a big nose he has)

Suddenly his keen doggie senses kick in (what big eyes he has)

Then he sees me, and I run for my life (what big teeth he has)

Valentine's Special: Audrey’s top-ten list of romantic gestures - continued

Audrey writes:

My boyfriend and I were on vacation in Jamaica earlier this month. One evening at the outdoor nightclub, the host began to select couples to appear onstage for a silly game. When he motioned to us, my boyfriend waved his hand to indicate “no”. At the same moment, I jumped up and said “yes”. It turned out that we four couples had two minutes to exchange clothing with our partners!

I raced inside the hotel, dragging my boyfriend behind me. I pulled off my top and he quickly unbuttoned his and took it off. He draped my little top around his neck while I buttoned up his big shirt. Then, I motioned to him to take off his pants. He laughed and asked me if I was serious! I insisted and we were both shocked to discover that he fit into my capris!

We didn’t win the contest but my boyfriend later told me that, when I rushed into the building to change, he thought we were making our getaway!

Once again, I thought I would share some of my boyfriend’s romantic gestures, in the hope that my list will improve someone else’s search for true love.

21. Surprise her by bringing 1 kg (!) of her favourite milk chocolate in your luggage when going away on vacation.
22. One evening at your vacation resort, sing karaoke with her, even though you have never done this before.
23. Stand outside in the bitter cold (-25C) making Jamaican jerk chicken on the BBQ for a romantic dinner, and insist that she stay indoors.
24. Give her your old laptop, which is still in perfect condition. Surprise her by loading the photos you have gathered of the two of you.
25. Add her family members to your Skype contacts list and call them even when she is not with you.
26. Eat her Christmas shortbread so slowly that she realizes that you really do love it. (Note: I secretly baked him more shortbread.)
27. Visit the doctor for a full physical at her suggestion.
28. Buy her vitamin D.
29. Express intelligent opinions about her work.
30. When you discover the long line-up to see Slumdog Millionaire at the World Exchange Cinema, act like it is an adventure and drive to the SilverCity Gloucester Cinema. Do not give up hope, even when, as you approach the cashier, the cinema posts a “limited seating” notice for the movie.

Previously:

• RNDP 12a: More Romantic Gestures that Score with Audrey
• RNDP 12: Romantic Gestures that Score with Audrey