11 ways to get Ready for Rail

On April 19, the City of Ottawa launched a campaign called “Ready for Rail” to create awareness and excitement and equip customers with the information they need to be ready to take Light Rail Transit when it launches in 2018.

There is a website at www.octranspo.com/ready4rail with information about fares and routes, but will this really equip customers with the information they need? No it won’t.

You might already be thinking you’re ready. Your Presto card is loaded. You know where you’ll board and you know where you’ll disembark. But you are not ready.

Your days of riding OCTranspo buses have not prepared you for life on subway trains.

Here are ways to prepare yourself that the City and OCTranspo are not likely to alert you to:

1. Wear attractive underwear in case you didn’t hear in advance that it is No pants day.
2. Carry dance accessories for an unexpected rave.
3. Get in running shape so you can beat the train between a pair of stops.
4. Get comfortable with insects so you do not panic and pull the emergency brake when a performance artist releases a swarm of crickets to highlight the plight of the homeless.
5. Prepare for zombies and other horrors because apparently zombies and possessed little girls like riding underground rail.  
6. Carry a notebook to jot down books you want to read. You’ll want to keep up with the books other passengers are perusing.
7. Take care of your libido at home. The new stations may seem like ideal spots for getting it on, but it is not a good idea to engage in full-on sex on the platform.
8. Practise your pole work so you can elevate yourself if no seat is available or work up a routine to entertain other passengers and keep yourself fit.
9. Carry spare change so you can help out the needy.
10. Turn off the voice recognition on your smartphone in case someone yells “Hey Siri, text mom, I’m pregnant.”
11. Most important - Learn how to use your phone so you can shoot a viral video.

[When you tweet this, don't forget to use hashtag #ready4rail]

Breaking (pelvis) news...

It has come to our attention that while the Short Guy was obsessing about certain junior priests in New Brunswick -- and oh, how the mighty have fallen, although I think he's lost weight so maybe rehab helped somewhat -- our Chief Magistrate here in Ottawa was out getting wrecked during a driving lesson on a snowtercycle. In Osgoode, no less.

Sounds like he's out for the next four to six weeks, which as we all know, is an eternity in the dog-eat-dog world of municipal politics. Given the nature of the injury, he's probably in a certain amount of pain also, which is never a good thing.

Now, us coyotes generally disapprove of snowtercycles, especially in Osgoode. Guys out there, under the highly mistaken impression that we may have formed some sorta unsavoury intent toward their pet cats, chase us and try to mow us down with 'em. (Which when ya think about it, is pretty unsavoury in its own right. Unlike delicious, delicous cats. Ummmm. Perhaps I digress a digression too far...?)

Errr, anyway. Despite our distaste for the vehicle of his misfortune, we of the Irregulars who still keep a paw in this blog ancienne wish Mayor Watson a speedy recovery.

We even have suggestions about how he might quicken his return to public life. Although, given the deep cold which has for some weeks settled over the city and made life a trial for those uncharmed by record-length skating on the Rideau Canal, we hope his accident did not leave him any kind of post-traumatic aversion to vehicles equipped with snowmobile tracks... dogspeed on your journey to wellness, sir!

Peter MacKay...

...Never a man to back away from a Challenger...

OC Transpo: Still a few bugs in the system

Baseline Station 5:29PM

Sic (Ottawa) Transit (in)Gloria Mundi...

Huh. On Day 51, call the Ottawa transit strike "officially done". Stick a fork in it. And one apiece into Mayor Larry O'Brien, and union leader Andre Cornellier, for utter disgrace under pressure. Oh, hell! Bring out all the place settings and start forkin' everybody over! There's plenty of responsibility to go 'round.

The city and the union last evening agreed to binding arbitration - as much as any two parties with a big honkin' federal gun to their heads can be said to "agree". Seems it was pretty much the solution proposed within the first two days, before the Mayor and the leader of the union local turned the whole city into an arena for an epic personal pissin' match, the like of which even coyotes rarely witness. And we know from pissin' matches.

Now, we semimythical coyotes are never bitter, cynical and obsessive, or anything. Even as we lick chafed and frozen appendages. However, we suspect it will be highly instructive to observe (and carefully note) the order and speed with which this sorry affair's numerous flawed leads and over-confident second bananas trot out their individual attempts to publicly grab credit and apply their over-torqued spins, pre-fab self-justifications, and weaselly personal self aggrandizations. Oh, wait... it's already begun!

Less than 30 minutes after the announcement, unless the cheesy dollar-store digital clock I picked out of the trash one long-ago recycling night was even more bafflingly inaccurate than usual...

Now, excuse me. I'm going to go suck my frostbitten paws. But I'm not bitter. Or anything...

Broken News: Ottawa Transit Strike, Day 27...

Suddenly, the city brain trust had a brilliant idea: reduce rush-hour traffic snarls downtown by quickly changing temporary street parking rules (again), and towing away vehicles that had arrived to park earlier.

No word yet how those lucky commuters are going to get home. Or to the auto impound...

Update

CBC evening news says the powers-that-be, after much negative publicity, apparently saw the error of their ways late in the day. Refunds for $80 parking tickets, towing charges and impoundment fees all 'round! We're still wondering whether those lucky commuters will be reimbursed for their time, or their trek to the auto impound. But we're just picky that way...

Ottawa Transit: Straight to Plan F

I see we're trying to roll out yet another Plan B on the Transit Plan thing - again. This time, $7.2 billion buys the city a couple of rail lines that don't get where a lot of transit users want to to go, And! A! Light! Rail! Tunnel! Downtown!

Hey! The times cry for boldness! Does a real city need to dig some crappy rail tunnel? They're so 19th century, and our visionary mayor is really a 20th century kinda guy. Heh. I know we've we've suggested a few Plan Bs ourselves, but now I think Ottawa just needs to leapfrog straight over all that dithering, and skip straight to the big enchilada: Plan F!

Hear me out. I've been looking into motorized para gliders, and $7,200 buys a nice one, with bulk discounts. More than adequate. Our budget buys a million of 'em. Do it! Lend them out for a minimal fee to everyone who needs to use one, just like those communal bicycles in Paris and Amsterdam. Cutting edge thinking. No need to dig a tunnel. No more buses clogging the streets. We put all that free wasted airspace to use. Utopia! Well, except for the pigeons.

Our mayor is obviously big on the cult of the amateur. He applauds when the city fires those elitist managers. He's proved willing to pitch in micromanage things himself. And since being elected, he's more than fulfilled his ripe early promise as an ultimate amateur. So I think he'll agree when I say that although these things technically fly, we don't need no stinkin' pilot licence requirements. Anybody with a toonie or so should be able to use 'em. And to show my faith in him, I think he should be the first to test the system. Do we need Plan F right this minute, or what?

Overheard in Ottawa

On the #14: Two acquaintances discussing call centre work

Earnest young woman: I just tell them I'm Canadian and they come around.

Lord of the Rings Fan: Is it legal to tell them we're Canadian?

Earnest young woman: It's not. I say I'm originally Canadian, and working in New Jersey and it's cold...

In a Transitway Shelter:

Algonquin Student (to her cell phone): No, no, 56 mm is fine. Alex had the super-sensing ones and he said... [lowering voice] It's weird 'cause I'm talking in Baseline Station... but Alex said... anyway he said 56 is fine.

Wedding Tips

Rather than get annoyed by people smoking cigars and standing in front of my chairs at the Blues Festival, I went to some weddings this past weekend. Lovely affairs, they were, but I have thoughts on how things could be more efficient:

• The Rockcliffe Park Gazebo is a beautiful place for a wedding ceremony, but if you want the Fourth Dwarf to actually get there and not wander around Rockcliffe for an hour and a half, have your wedding in a facility that is served by a bus route.


• If the 3-year-old son of the bride and groom couldn't manage to keep his clothing on during the rehearsal dinner, it is probably a bad idea to give him a baseball bat and ball to play with during the reception.


• You may not really need a photo of the bride and groom with every possible permutation and combination of the wedding guests. But once you have every possible photo shot at the wedding site, you definitely do not need to go to a public garden to get more photos.


• If you're inviting the Fourth Dwarf and he's going to be wandering Rockcliffe for an hour and a half, do not have an open bar.
  

Ottawa's New Light Rail Plan...

Before Lex lost his bet:


After Lex lost his bet: