The New Super Size -- a Love Note to Fast Food

Us coyotes were scuttling down a back alley this morning when the geospatial sensory flow (okay, the smell of hot grease...) prompted memories of the last time we hit a Mickey D's.

Good times!

Chucking limp fries at the Dwarf, making rude blooping noises in the pop with our straws, and dancing to the beat of the hapless counterperson's rotebot drone. You know, the one who asks each customer who's already ordered fries -- because asking "Dooya wan' frieswiddat? would be redundant, but The Corporation demands that its serfs squeeze out ever more profit from that order -- "Can I soopersize datforya?"

You know if s/he doesn't say it, the poor shnook is going to get docked either brownie points in that fast-track Management Training Program with the great polyester uniform, or, worse, some of their minimum wage. The Corp demands loyalty. Although sadly, Morgan Spurlock's famously surreal little opus has kind of satirized that particular tagline into perdition.

For reasons best known to my amydogdala, I wondered how to help Big Fast Food. I mean, look at it. It's obviously going broke. It needs a new "super". But what will that be? Like, what's bigger 'n super?

I guess you could ask, "Can I Mega Size that for you?" But mega is so last-century. Everything is mega already. So not that. Then I started to wonder what the meta-analysis on this would reveal. This blog was, after all, a metablog at one point in the distant, sunny past. The Irregulars specialized in this kind of crap.

The answer struck me the way the bottom wires of electric fences hit certain carelessly wagging tails: "Can I Metasta Size that for you?"

You're welcome, Fast Food Industry... you know where to send the love and royalty cheques. We hear Canada Post isn't interested in delivering mail anymore, so use E-transfers. We're here, waiting for 'em pour in. Much like overdiluted cola syrup.

Whaaaaaat?

I just figured that, since Sun TV is gonna go all Foxic News North on us, it should have a classy new logo. The old one is as boring and dull as, ummm, the existing media that the new Putative Stun Channel hopes to thrash.

So, you know. Something restrained. Classy. Understated yet evocative. And with all the wit and public charm of its new, formerly pasty and now oddly-tanned executive guy, Kory Teneycke. Former Stephen Harper spokesthingy. Former Mike Harris backroom braintrust kid. Y'know?

But it wasn't easy. Endless concepts. Days of consultation with the Research Director. Multiple versions. Accusations of overthinking everything.

And locating a cuddly new mascot. You have no idea how hard it is to find a one-winged turkey vulture that can still, actually, you know, aviate in the solar wind...

Better Proclaimers

What's with these politicos going off half-cocked, lately? It's such a prodigal misuse of their big swinging dicks . . .

After belatedly finding that his Slur-of-the-Month Club dealt him very shoddy goods, the PM retracted his latest partisan insult with appropriately bad grace, before a single TV camera in a bare studio. So as not to face the embarrassing prospect of an actual, you know, audience while he did the, ummm, manly thing.

Meanwhile at the local level, Temporary Putative Ottawa Mayor Doug ("Dog") Thompson took a minute off from harrassing innocent coyotes in the 'burbs to become a wannabe proclaimer, as reported below. He then swiftly proclaimed that he is naught but a mere groveller before the wilting rage of councillor Jan "Nobody's Bunny" Harder.

Enough. The Scots-type guys in these pictures are definitely better Proclaimers. They sing. They play. Some pogo gracefully. And on Friday night, in the midst of a superlatively soggy summer, they bore sunshine from Leith to the free Bluesfest stage on York Street. Bless 'em.

Unsurprising breaking news: Transit strike continues

Transit workers yesterday rejected the city's 'final' offer in a federally-supervised vote requested by the mayor and council.

The 75 per cent margin among those who voted appears to be a convincing rejection of the city's offer, and of Mayor-Larry-driven negotiating tactics that tried to bypass union leadership.

A recent poll suggested most Ottawa residents sided with council, calling the offer "fair" and saying transit employees should accept it and get the hell back to work.

But we coyotes can't help wondering if this had something to do with the City's carpet bombing propaganda blitz, featuring multiple full-page Petfinder ads per day. All of which pretty much called the offer "fair" and said transit employees should accept it and get the hell back to work. The union hasn't exactly been fattening local media ad coffers to win hearts and minds, so the poll results are make sense with that in mind. And frankly, most Ottawhatamies are pretty tired of adapting to no buses, as magnificent as they are at it, whether they're union-friendly or not.

Now, neither side is exactly covered in glory here. I have heard from possibly reliable sources* that senior drivers game that contentious scheduling roster system to work less and earn more. But the city negotiated that system to address serious Transpo dysfunction and morale problems a decade back, and drivers took long-term pay cuts in exchange for it. I wonder why city ads don't address this sore point, and harp instead on wage offers that on the surface indeed look "fair"? Those disingenuous full-pagers and negotiating (negatiating?) tactics make bulls in china shops look positively sprightly and graceful by comparison. Landed giant squids flopping airlessly, I can see.

Last night, in an attempt to substitute his personal reality for the one he habitually rejects, the mayor slipped 300 union members who didn't vote, into the percentage of those that actually voted to reject the offer, to style his smackdown as closer to 64 per cent. Ummm.... by that pretzel logic, the vast majority of citizens that didn't vote for him in the last municipal election deserve a different mayor, don'cha think...?

I still blame Larry. But I always do.

* Someone who knows someone. You know how it goes.