Porter Airlines and rockstars

I have always wanted to be a rockstar. So I was excited when I arrived on level 3 of the YOW parking garage and discovered that Porter Airlines, who I would be flying with, would be treating me like a rockstar.

I hoped this rockstar treatment would start in their lounge before I boarded, but the lounge is permanently closed.

On board the flight, an hour later, they gave me a complimentary beverage and my choice of a little packet of salted almonds, potato chips, or short-bread cookies. I suppose if I was a rockstar, I'd have taken one of each. But I only took some almonds.

I can't say I left the flight feeling like a rockstar. But I did fly way up high in the air, and that was pretty cool.

Father Joe in Moncton

Local media reported last week that our old friend Father Joe Leclair is now ministering to parishioners in the Blessed Elizabeth of the Trinity Parish in New Brunswick. [Citizen CBC]

Assistant Priest Fr. Joe LeClair

We had worried that Father Joe's time in the corrections system would lead to his having to find new work, but instead he will only have to find new routes to work. He will be at four different churches, not just the one next door to his dwelling.

He'll be serving: Holy Family Church in Moncton, Holy Ghost Church in Riverside-Albert, Immaculate Heart of Mary Church in Riverview, and St. Jude’s Church in Salisbury.

Father Joe, we want to support you in your new life, here is a Google map you can use to get to all the places you'll be needing to go.



Also, you might want to start talking about what a big fan you are of classic Canadian rockers like the Tragically Hip and the Stampeders, and mystical performers like Hypnotist Cyrus.

p.s. We can offer a compensation package to anyone in Moncton at Easter who gets us photos of Father Joe doing Jesus on the cross in a loincloth.

Julian Fantino - Minister of Veterans Affronts

Harper wears Iraq

The PM, it is reported, has decided to dip a toe, likely newly-clad in spit shined combat boots for the photo op, into the sucking morass that is Iraq: "It's just Noble, okay? Clear and present danger to Canada, okay? But I'm not telling you anything else, nyah, nyah, nyah!"

One columnist type, probably tick-boxed on the PMO Enemies List as "mostly on-side, except when he's disturbingly off-script" called it Harper's Churchill moment.

In fairness to the pugnacious ol' bon vivant, we must note that for Churchill the danger was far more clear and present, and the actual battle arena far better defined. As opposed to being an amorphous wanna-be state moshing around the outback Middle East.

We jaded coyotes, by now probably on the PMO Enemies List, period, know that the moshers are vile people who do very vile things. We're just not clear how tossing a half-dozen planes and maybe two dozen guys into that pit to chase 'em is noble, or makes the PM the kind of heavy international playa he thinks he is. And he and his minions remain fatally short on supporting details. But we await his no-doubt historic speech with interest:

"We shall defend our shrinking polls, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight on the beaches of our fake lake, we shall fight on the landing grounds we shall build for the F-35, we shall robocall the hell out of our data fields, we shall run for in the hills ; we shall never surrender! Although you can bet your fuzzy asses we'll prorogue. Whenever."

Yup. Words for the ages.

Travelling incognito

Upon arriving at the airport in Bridgetown, Barbados, I noticed a sign informing visitors that camouflage is banned on the island.

I have concluded the reason must be one of the following:

1. The people of Barbados fear takeover by a camouflage-clad army of insurgents.
2. The country is populated by fervent hunters who may mistakenly shoot tourists disguised in camouflage.
3. Barbados has taken a firm stand against what is perhaps the most objectionable fashion trend of the decade.

A new kinda Pisa topping

Thanks gang. Leuven? More like leavin'! I located Cedric in Brussels face down on a waffle, slurping maple syrup. The chagrined gnome and I hopped on the first plane to Italy.

Cedric agreed to accompany me upon learning we'd visit the leaning tower of Pisa en route to Florence. However, he was mightily disappointed to discover the famous landmark was not made of tasty tomato-and-cheese pies.

The ingrate. It was all I could do to refrain from dropping him off the tower in a recreation of Galileo's gravity experiments.

Llama dramarama, part four: the mouth-watering conclusion

What better way to forget your troubles than a trip to stunning Machu Picchu? Unless, of course, the place is lousy with llamas and you happen to have a morbid fear of the ankle-biting Andean amblers.

After pointed accusations from Cedric ("You knew there would be llamas here, didn't you?!") and several lengthy apologies from me ("I will personally hand-wash your little red hat every night for the next month!"), Cedric calmed down and began to relax.

Especially once he realized no health-conscious llama would ever eat a centuries-old gnome with flat feet and wooden teeth.

Next we work on Cedric's fear of John Baird's hair ... Oh, right, that's my unending phobia ...

Llama dramarama, part three

After a few hours with the photo during our Cusco sojourn, Cedric got used to the idea of being around an actual llama.

So we clambered down four flights of stairs (a lengthy procedure for Cedric) and the tiny troll calmly posed for this photo. I barely had the heart to tell him it wasn't a real llama.

Still, Cedric considered it a step forward. He really is a glass-half-full kind of gnome.

Llama dramarama, part two

Cedric and I have spent a couple of days talking about llamas and alpacas. It is the first step in my plan to help the little gnome get over his fear of the four-legged Andean creatures.

Today we made a major breakthrough: Cedric was able to look at a photo of a llama without shivering violently, falling over or vomiting.

It helps that the tiny man loves to sing: Alpaca-p my troubles in my old kit bag ... (whistling follows).

Cedric thinks he is so clever.

On the llama

Sometimes the best way to get over one's fears is to confront them directly. Cedric's longstanding trepidation about llamas, not to mention alpacas, has led us to Lima, Peru.

That and the little gnome's love of salsa dancing, pisco sours and the general hustle and bustle of urban South America.

We have not yet spotted one of the four-legged woolly creatures that give Cedric the night sweats. But I have assured the small one, we most certainly soon will...

Will the gnome roam to Nome or Rome?

I am happy to report my new travelling companion is cute, looks good in red, and is up for just about anything.

I am less enthusiastic to note said companion is a 203-year-old gnome named Cedric with a fondness for homemade brew and a pronounced dislike of cats.

A Christmas present, Cedric came with explicit instructions that I must:

1. Take him wherever I go.
2. Photograph him.
3. Blog about his travels.

Cedric's maiden trip was a holiday jaunt to Sharbot Lake, Ontario, where he got a taste of country air and deftly avoided being eaten by a wolverine.

I suspect Cedric is a bit of a ladies gnome. He was in town scant hours before making the acquaintance of an unidentified female gnome (a century or so his senior) who hails from a small Dutch village.

And to think I was counting on him to be my wingman.

Rideau Canal: We Try Harder

News Item:

National Geographic rates Rideau Canal a top destination

The Ottawa Citizen

Published: Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Ottawa's Rideau Canal Corridor has placed second out of 109 historic destinations around the world in the November issue of National Geographic Traveller.

• Historic Places Rated: The List
• Ontario: Rideau Canal corridor

Scammed and looking for advice...

I was scammed last spring by an Ottawa U professor who reminded me of Mr. Bean. Here is the sequence of events:

1) I met Mr. Bean at a conference in a European country. Mr. Bean confesses that he has no cash, and can't even buy himself a cup of coffee because he can't get the bank people to understand him and for some reason he can't get a cash advance on his credit card.
2) Aggie, realizing that he is from Ottawa, the city in which she lives, hands over 50 Euros to Mr. Bean, along with her business card, saying, "Here. Borrow this. I know where you work."
3) Mr. Bean is grateful, and says how embarassing it is, but takes the money.
4) Aggie does not hear from Mr. Bean.
5) Aggie decides to email Mr. Bean in late August, reminding him that she is there.
6) He responds with photos of the conference, good wishes to Aggie, and says he is heading off to Paris for another conference.
7) Aggie responds with, "Have fun in Paris. Don't forget to bring your Euros this time!"
8) Mr. Bean doesn't respond.
9) Aggie's work colleague who also met Mr. Bean at the conference runs into him by chance on the Ottawa U. campus and says, "Hi. Remember me. Aggie's friend. Remember Aggie, the one who so generously bailed you out." He mutters, "Oh, yes." then rushes off.
10) Aggie's colleague recounts this chance meeting to Aggie. Aggie is now pissed off at this scamming bastard and sends another email, this time saying. "Ok, Mr. Bean. Write me the check for $80 and send it to this address"...
11) Mr. Bean responds curtly with a "Yes". No thank you. No Sorry. Nothing.
12) That exchange was a week and a half ago. No cheque has arrived.

So, blog readers. I am asking for your advice here. What are the next steps? What should Aggie do?