5 reasons why the RCAF needs Catcopters, not F-35s

Oh, Hai! Is this old bloggy thing still turned on? It is? Cool!

So, it occurs to me* that Catcopters could solve this government's recent problems with, you know, the optics surrounding the whole F-35 stealth fighter purchase. Especially since the usual spin-doctoring seems to be flying about as well as a high powered post-hole auger.

I offer this stroke of genius with a certain reluctance. My stink-eyed stance against just about everything this government stands for is well-known. But us semimythical coyotes feel we must begin searching for whatever common ground we can find, in the current highly divisive political environment. Although now that I think of it, even mentioning the word "environment" probably gets me bunged onto some terrorist watch list for life. I digress.

Yet I note that the current Prime Minister and I can, in spite of all else, at least agree upon a deep and abiding love of cats. To be strictly fair, he loves his cats smothered in image-softening political spin, while us coyotes generally love ours smothered in Thai red sauce. What the hell. Ya gotta start somewhere, right?

So, in the spirit of offering a figurative fig leaf olive branch to a bunch of fiscally-reprehensible responsible hawks intent on purchasing the latest in bleeding-edge stealth aviation technology to, ummm, defend Canada's Arctic sovereignty from 60-year old Russian survey planes, I present five reasons for ditching the troublesome F-35 Stealth fighter for something stealthier, cheaper, and just all-round better for the True North Strong, Stable, and Majorly Responsible:

• Stealth: The F35 is not nearly as stealthy as advertised. Since so much of the government's early rationale seemed to center on stealth capability, this could be a deal breaker. Not for the Catcopter. Does anybody know anything as stealthy as a cat?
• Multiple engines: The F-35 has been criticized by some people for its single engine. If it fails on an Arctic patrol, the pilot is pretty much polar bear bait. Or a seawater ice cube. Not a problem with a Catcopter! It has four engines.
• Handling: The most dangerous time in any flight is during takeoff and landing. And the F-35 apparently handles kind of badly. In fact, it needs a whole whack of onboard computers to help it fly straight. Catcopters? Surefooted to a fault. They always land right side up.
• Fuel costs: The government and the defence department got themselves in a whole mess of trouble with the Auditor General for somehow omitting about $10 Billion - with a "B" - in lifetime fuel and maintenance costs from the cost estimates they presented to parliament. Pessimists called this outright lying. Optimists called it "a mere accounting quibble - and which would you rather be, a Gloomy Gus, or a right-thinking red-meat optimist?" I digress. Again. I say Catcopters would erase any accounting quibbles by fueling on kibble. And I'm pretty sure that the price of one stealth fighter gets you a whole swarm (herd?) of Catcopters. Instead of five dozen lousy planes to cover 202,080 km of coastline, you'd get bajillions!
• There is no fifth reason. Ever.

* I had big help. Shake-a-paws to the Independent Observer and the Research Director, each of whom added their valuable imprinteurs to frank, open and productive discussions, after seeing Dutch artist Bart Jansen's Orvillecopter...

More Reminiscences for Things in the Past

Following Aggie's and the IO's reminiscences, here are some other things I miss. Although, I am aware that Thomas Wolfe's statement, "you can't go home again," mostly holds true here:

1. Doing my undergrad degree -- all those optional attendance classes. The beauty of all the young, hopeful and enthusiastic people around me. Those earnest and confident discussions. The larger societal acceptance. Never having to be anywhere before 11:30 a.m. The 15-hour a week "full time!" school load. Whipping off mediocre term papers and cramming. Being high.

2. Travelling before cellphones and email existed. The emotional freedom of movement.

3. A time when I told myself that earning money, necessary yet trivial, was something I would do in my future.

4. A time when I didn't worry about my or our future.

5. No fifth thing, but a note to the Chair: I'm a day late. Chair, feel welcome to post.

Wedding Tips

Rather than get annoyed by people smoking cigars and standing in front of my chairs at the Blues Festival, I went to some weddings this past weekend. Lovely affairs, they were, but I have thoughts on how things could be more efficient:

• The Rockcliffe Park Gazebo is a beautiful place for a wedding ceremony, but if you want the Fourth Dwarf to actually get there and not wander around Rockcliffe for an hour and a half, have your wedding in a facility that is served by a bus route.


• If the 3-year-old son of the bride and groom couldn't manage to keep his clothing on during the rehearsal dinner, it is probably a bad idea to give him a baseball bat and ball to play with during the reception.


• You may not really need a photo of the bride and groom with every possible permutation and combination of the wedding guests. But once you have every possible photo shot at the wedding site, you definitely do not need to go to a public garden to get more photos.


• If you're inviting the Fourth Dwarf and he's going to be wandering Rockcliffe for an hour and a half, do not have an open bar.
  

The Fenian Naming Machine

"We're here for an impromptu ceilidh," said this fellow in his charming brogue.

It appears our local Irish mafia have got a lock on the name for the Rideau Canal Foot Bridge. The "Corktown Bridge" may not seem poetical to sensitive ears like those of our friend Coyote, but the Irish managed to outflank both the anti-semitic mayor troops and the numerous but poorly-organized Somerset Street denizens at the latest meeting on the topic.

Look at the enormous and frightening mob they can assemble at a moment's notice!

I'd say the only way it won't get called the Corktown Bridge now is if the Senators win the Stanley Cup on a goal scored by their only player with an obviously Irish name: Chris Kelly.

Yes, they use young women in fancy costumes to advance their agenda.

I hope you all realize this is just the thin edge of the wedge. Coyote and I did some discreet reconaissance and our sources tell us the local Irish have plans to put their mark on every new project coming to this City and they even plan to rename a number of existing institutions, for example:

• New Brown's Inlet storm drains: SewerDance!


• New Music Venue on Elgin: The Play Something Irish You Bastards Concert Hall


• Proposed Transit Viaduct: The Kiss Me I'm Irish Tunnel
  


• Municipal Waste Site: If it's Not Celtic it's Carp Landfill


• Ottawa's transit system: O'CTranspo
  


• 80 Elgin Street: The James Patrick Whelan Building

Here you see their Corktown Bridge logo. Commissioned for $5000 from a topknotch graphic designer and rendered to look like it is the product of a grassroots community group.

My 20 favourite things (other than sex):

In Honour of Audrey's List:

My 20 favourite things (other than sex):

1. Warm weather
2. Sunshine
3. Walking with a friend
4. Getting a big cheque
5. Watching things grow
6. Lakes
7. Drinking beer at the Preferred Place with friends
8. Reading a good novel
9. The sound of rural open spaces in summer time
10. Cooking exotic cuisine
11. morning coffee
12. When *redacted* brings me coffee in the morning
13. decks (with good conversation, or a book, or coffee, or good sounds)
14. cuddling
15. watching movies
16. My mother
17. my cat
18. yoga
19. Watching Young and the Restless (lame, but true)
20. drinking good red wine, at home
21. When *redacted* fills my wine glass without me asking

P.S. I didn't add things like: the happiness of others, when wars end, when cancer goes into remission, because I didn't think of them until my list was finished. And then I felt bad, and decided as penance that I still couldn't list them.

Of lists and trysts

Metasexual or not, Audrey says blogs need more lists. So she took to the keyboard and tapped out one of her own to spice up the ESI site:




My favourite things besides sex

1 old houses
2 champagne
3 dancing at the Marina Beach Club in Benalmadena, Spain
4 my friends - The IO, Fourth Dwarf, The Chair, The Research Director, Conch Shell, Aggie/Eigga, Coyote, {redacted}
5 books and magazines
6 sunshine
7 sparkly skirts
8 the colour pink
9 Jamaica
10 The Sunday Times
11 my little Canon camera
12 chocolate
13 kissing
14 activities leading up to sex which aren't sex
15 men who read
16 Chris Chelios
17 The Strokes
18 Rome
19 taking baths
20 roses