5 reasons why the RCAF needs Catcopters, not F-35s

Oh, Hai! Is this old bloggy thing still turned on? It is? Cool!

So, it occurs to me* that Catcopters could solve this government's recent problems with, you know, the optics surrounding the whole F-35 stealth fighter purchase. Especially since the usual spin-doctoring seems to be flying about as well as a high powered post-hole auger.

I offer this stroke of genius with a certain reluctance. My stink-eyed stance against just about everything this government stands for is well-known. But us semimythical coyotes feel we must begin searching for whatever common ground we can find, in the current highly divisive political environment. Although now that I think of it, even mentioning the word "environment" probably gets me bunged onto some terrorist watch list for life. I digress.

Yet I note that the current Prime Minister and I can, in spite of all else, at least agree upon a deep and abiding love of cats. To be strictly fair, he loves his cats smothered in image-softening political spin, while us coyotes generally love ours smothered in Thai red sauce. What the hell. Ya gotta start somewhere, right?

So, in the spirit of offering a figurative fig leaf olive branch to a bunch of fiscally-reprehensible responsible hawks intent on purchasing the latest in bleeding-edge stealth aviation technology to, ummm, defend Canada's Arctic sovereignty from 60-year old Russian survey planes, I present five reasons for ditching the troublesome F-35 Stealth fighter for something stealthier, cheaper, and just all-round better for the True North Strong, Stable, and Majorly Responsible:

  • Stealth: The F35 is not nearly as stealthy as advertised. Since so much of the government's early rationale seemed to center on stealth capability, this could be a deal breaker. Not for the Catcopter. Does anybody know anything as stealthy as a cat?
  • Multiple engines: The F-35 has been criticized by some people for its single engine. If it fails on an Arctic patrol, the pilot is pretty much polar bear bait. Or a seawater ice cube. Not a problem with a Catcopter! It has four engines.
  • Handling: The most dangerous time in any flight is during takeoff and landing. And the F-35 apparently handles kind of badly. In fact, it needs a whole whack of onboard computers to help it fly straight. Catcopters? Surefooted to a fault. They always land right side up.
  • Fuel costs: The government and the defence department got themselves in a whole mess of trouble with the Auditor General for somehow omitting about $10 Billion - with a "B" - in lifetime fuel and maintenance costs from the cost estimates they presented to parliament. Pessimists called this outright lying. Optimists called it "a mere accounting quibble - and which would you rather be, a Gloomy Gus, or a right-thinking red-meat optimist?" I digress. Again. I say Catcopters would erase any accounting quibbles by fueling on kibble. And I'm pretty sure that the price of one stealth fighter gets you a whole swarm (herd?) of Catcopters. Instead of five dozen lousy planes to cover 202,080 km of coastline, you'd get bajillions!
  • There is no fifth reason. Ever.
* I had big help. Shake-a-paws to the Independent Observer and the Research Director, each of whom added their valuable imprinteurs to frank, open and productive discussions, after seeing Dutch artist Bart Jansen's Orvillecopter...


ZZZ said...

That photo is the funniest thing I've seen in a while.

David said...

I'm afraid cats are out because the Humane Society would have something to say about that...But what about baby seal copters? I don't think anyone would have a problem with that.

coyote said...

Pish-tosh, sir!

With a little creative accounting, the military can get anything it wants. I'm pretty sure vast quantities of pre-deceased cats are no problem.

Because, while baby seals are obviously far more aerodynamic than cats, they don't always land on their feet. (See Bullet #3)

Further, if I were gonna have animal rights fanatics after me, I'd want it to be the SPCA, not PETA. They're just not as cuddly.