PETA + KFC = ESI opportunity

Yesterday's papers were all clucking over the news that PETA - People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals - has finally twisted Kentucky Fried Chicken of Canada's drumsticks painfully enough that the company has pledged to: a) buy only what PETA deems to be humanely scragged poultry (which apparently means gassing it); and b) introduce what the Petfinder called "a vegan, faux-chicken flavoured menu item". How droll.

PETA and point-person Pamela Anderson, who by virtue of having surgically crammed her chest full of dangerously gratuitous plastic products, twice, is an ideal spokes-Barbie for the cause of cruelty to animals, have been after KFC for years on this.

Pam, sweetie: Without even going in to the mental images I see when I hear the term "gassing chickens", for your own good I advise you to plan never to be around when I knock off a pheasant or partridge for tiffin. Not pretty. Yum. I mean, ummmm, now 'scuze me, I have to wipe the drool off of this keyboard thingie, so my claws stop skidding... Ahem. I digress. All better now.

Anyway, with this announcement, I believe I smell a toothsome business opportunity for ESI Global PLC. The Mumumelon® line is doing very nicely, and our new lingerie is taking off... so it's time to diversify. The Globe and Mail reports that KFC's vegan menu option will apparently be some sort of soy-based product, generically labelled 'unchicken'. Sounds inhumane to me, but I'm willing to roll with the market: a contract to supply KFC with this stuff could be worth a little scratch. So here's to dee-lishus ESI ChickUn®, served up on a foam platter with sides of fries, gravy and three-bean salad. By the time we finish breading it with eleven secret herbs and spices and deep-frying it, it'll be almost as healthy as the real thing.

Now. Somebody explain to me: why the hell would vegans want to go to KFC anyway....?


4th Dwarf said...

Coyote, seriously, you are at your best when you are developing new product lines for us.

I'm especially glad that we are now gunning against KFC because:

(a) I hate companies that drop their perfectly good name for a set of letters. Sure the insiders call this blog ESI, but we haven't changed our masthead to just the letters.

(b) The Toonie Tuesday Special now costs more than $3. That means it costs me about $20 to get a decent supper on Tuesdays. I might as well buy the Family Meal.

Milan said...

"Somebody explain to me: why the hell would vegans want to go to KFC anyway....?"

Fast food chains call it "Denying the denier." If there is one health-conscious family member (usually the mother), restaurants like KFC can be vetoed. That is why places like McDonalds now have 'healthier choice options.'

Note that they are often the most expensive things on the menu and, at most fast food places, even the salads contain meat by default.

Woodsy said...

When I worked at one of those places in the late '70s, we called it Kentucky Fucky Yucky. Another friend calls it Unlucky Fried Kittens.

coyote said...

Thank you for casting light upon this troubling philosophical conundrum, Milan.

So, ummm, The Green Door should add $20 beef burgers to its menu tout de suite, to rope in vegetarian families harbouring unrepentant carnivores?

I'm just askin'...

coyote said...

And Woodsy: Watcha got against fried kittens...?

Woodsy said...

Coyote, I have nothing against fried kitten... I'm just reporting on what I've heard... I'd be happy to whip up a batch for you!

As for vegetarian restaurants adding meat to the menu... the famous vegetarian restaurant, Moosewood, in Ithaca NY has added fish to their menu... is it less cruel to eat fish?

coyote said...

'Pends if you're a fish or not...