Attitude Adjustment
posted by Conch Shell
To paraphrase:
M has a beautiful house in a trendy downtown area, which he bought in anticipation of his marriage to the chick from Trois Riviere, so it was all rather awkward for 5M. She trailed behind him most of the weekend, as he walked through his Quebec neighbourhood and visited old friends. She says she resented all that, felt left out, taken for granted, out of water ...
Helping 5M change her ways, I thought I'd point out areas that she could look at things a little differently:
1) I don't like the term chick. I think it's derogatory, and there's no need for her to put down the ex. That belittles her.
2) She knew she was going to the house he bought intending marriage to the TRC, so why bother lamenting that afterwards. It's self-pitying.
3) Can she possibly expect to trail in front of him, given that it's his old home town? They'd get lost.
4) Clearly, the plan from the start was to visit old friends, otherwise, why choose the hometown. So accept.
5) Resentment. This is her big one. It will be hard for her to change, but people act as they want to act. Why resent him for being who she knows he is?
Revising the summary:
QC is beautiful in the summer. I love the sense of history there. It feels like Europe. It was good to see where M came from. I gave him a little time on his own, to visit with old friends that I knew I didn't have much in common with, so I checked out the museums and wrote happy thoughts in my blog from the downtown internet cafe. There are so many beautiful men here, and they seem to know how to treat women. It was good to get out of Ottawa, even though I know M is only meant to be a friend to me in this lifetime. Mmmm, and that baquette sure did taste good.
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7 comments:
Well, Conchie, ye raise some valid points; and maybe if 5M reframed her life as you suggest, she would be happier.
But if her postings all turned into the sort of saccharine pap you provided, you wouldn't find me reading her blog any longer.
Saccharine? Saccharine? Hasn't that substance been banned from sale in Canada?
Hmmmphhh. Well, if not, it should be. Causes cancer in rats.
I, for one, like the Conch version of the 5M Quebec experience. Not all of us are grumpy, crusty old pirates, I guess.
If 5M even started trying to think like Conchie writes, it would change her life, I bet. True, she wouldn't have as many blog admirers, but maybe she'd actually have some real-life ones?
Sigh. Conch. Saccharine (Hi, Wag). However well-intended you undoubtedly may be, it is up to 5M to rewrite her own script. In fact, only she has the power to do that... because only she has the power to take responsibility for it.
Waggie, I don't know if saccharine's been banned. I leave the legal issues to you.
And it's true that Not all of us are grumpy, crusty old pirates. Conchie for example is young and cheerful and you for another example are not a pirate.
Well, I don't know, Coyote. Have you ever seen that funny/sad Intervention TV show, for addicts? The addicts agree to be on the show, thinking it's a documentary about addiction. And bang, they're in the middle of Reality Intervention.
Perhaps the whole G(r)eek Chorus of us telling her that she has to try looking at things a bit more positively, rather than always going for the downer view . .
You know, instead of enabling with supportive ("there, there, 5M, I'm so sorry you're being mistreated . . ") instead to: "this is all your own doing. Rewrite the script!"
That whole tough love thing.
Well now, Waggie, there's a card game I've been meaning to learn called Poker. One of the concepts I've heard mentioned is a tell. That's where a person has an unconscious giveaway gesture or tick. Like rubbing their nose when they don't have any of them cards with pretty pictures.
Perhaps you have a tell.
But Conchie, tell us more about this intervention show. Does it actually help the addict reform? Or is it more about giving the viewers and intervenors something that lets them feel superior?
Wag, if ya don't like doggy breath, ya oughtta come on out to the badlands for wild onion-picking season...
Conch, I think the short guy asks a valid question or two about intervening. Tough love and interventions have their entirely valid therapeutic uses and places. But I feel rather strongly that they're best instigated by someone -- well, better an entire family or group of friends -- really close to the intervenee. 'Close' carries emotional clout, and I don't think our motley Greek chorus flopping out of the blue, like some kinda deus-ex-machina-in-reverse would come 'close', if you get my drift.
As for helping her see things more positively, I see that as coming somewhere way down the road, as a byproduct of much more work on herself. First, I think, she needs to learn to see things more as they are.
I note that Mintyfresh has invariably been a positive ray of sunshine in the Muse's blog, and in her personal life. I don't see a lot of Muse evolution because of it. Do you?
If one attempts to paint a positive attitude upon a personality with (ahem) issues that is not entirely self-aware about 'em, it's not gonna work. To use a metaphor beloved of the suburbanites who encroach on my range, ya gotta deal with the structural bits, plumbing and electrical before ya slap paint.
I'm not indifferent to the Muse's happiness. But for her to reach toward that blessed state, she has to be ready, her own self. An emotional pivot has to swing past centre inside her. Until she's ready, no matter what we think, the best-intentioned advice in the world -- or even a truly brutal intervention -- will fall on deaf ears. To a very large degree it's up to her, not us, nor anyone else. Not that we ain't capable of kicking people in the pants...
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