2011-05-30

Tips for Criminal Masterminds: the Secret Lair

As a criminal mastermind you need more than a hideout. You need a base of operations suitable for developing your nefarious plans to take over the world.

The Diefenbunker - too obvious?
Here in Ottawa there are many properties that will require very little retrofitting to meet your needs. Most are not currently on the market, but as an evil genius, you should be able to overcome that challenge.

The great news is that you'll be able to tour many sites without suspicion this coming Saturday and Sunday as part of Doors Open Ottawa.

Of course, you'll want to see the Diefenbunker. It is closed on Saturday, but open on Sunday. In my opinion, the Diefenbunker is too obvious a location for a secret lair, but you're the evil genius.

There are a good number of embassies on the list as well as churches and schools that could meet your needs. Lisgar Collegiate used to have a rifle range on its 4th floor.

Traffic Operations - inspiration?
Even if you don't want to acquire one of the Doors Open properties, you might get some good ideas. For example, the City's Traffic Operations Unit at 175 Loretta Ave has control and monitoring systems you might like to study.

There is one possibly ideal location not on the Doors Open list we expect to be up for sale in the next few months. It's only a block from Parliament Hill and has escalators going up and down to a large basement. I'm talking about the Zellers at 156 Sparks. It's one of the few Zellers outlets that have not been bought by Target.

Your new lair?
If I were a criminal mastermind, I'd snap this Zellers up as soon as it comes on the market and keep it a low price retail store. Not just for the income stream, but also so that my minions could come and go without notice and I could buy their uniforms wholesale.

The light rail tunnel construction starting soon would also cover up the noise and waste from any excavation I wanted to do for extra sub-basements or my own secret tunnels.

Good luck wherever you decide to locate your lair. Feel free to invite us to the house warming party. We'll be sure to bring a suitably evil houseplant.

5 comments:

coyote said...

Shorty, ya begin to worry me.

All this well-meant advice might give Mister Sloppy the wrong kinds of ideas.

Like he doesn't get enough of those, already...

4th Dwarf said...

I'm sorry, Coyote, but I'm just putting the information out there.

I can't help it if an evil genius like Mr. Sloppy gets the wrong kind of ideas.

Seventh Heathen said...

The Zellers location is brilliant! If I were an evil genius, I would definitely want my HQ in a location that wasn't a Target.

4th Dwarf said...

7H, touché.

G said...

Thought you guys might like the OttawaStart picks for Doors Open Ottawa: http://ottawastart.blogspot.com/2011/06/ottawastarts-off-beaten-trail-picks-for.html

(no downtown churches or embassies on thist list)