My New Quest

Things have been up and down with me in the past week. Unlike the rest of this city, the hockey results didn't do much for me. It's nice the local boys are doing well, but you know the thing with hockey is the violence. There's just not enough. There they are with blades on their feet and what do they do? Drop their sticks, take off their gloves and punch each other. It makes no sense.

Still, last Thursday, it warmed my heart to see the fountain at City Hall flowing with blood, the blood of our vanquished enemies, I assume.

Perhaps these lads will win the cup after all, I thought. And that got me to thinking about the competition I'm in: Most Improved Person 2006-07. I realized I'd given up on winning without trying. Sure, the Amazon has got herself a life coach. And sure, all the Chair would have to do to win is get a life off the couch. But I could still pull ahead if I put my mind to it.

I even came up with an idea: volunteer work! Sharing my skills for the benefit of the community!

I called the first number I found for volunteering in Ottawa. "I want to do some volunteer work this weekend, who could use me?" I asked.

"I'm not sure," said the woman who answered.

"Aren't you the volunteer people?"

"No," she said, "we're process servers."

"Oh..." I said.

"But the marathon is on this weekend. Maybe they could use some help."

And she was right. The Foot Racing people needed lots of help. I looked down the list of areas where they needed help:

• Route Marshal
• Medical
  
• Water station
• Information Booth
• Expo
• Race Kit Pickup
• Start Line Area
• Recovery Area
• Sweat Check
• Cheering Station

"Holy Saint Nicholas!" I said out loud. "It's like they knew I would be available." If there is one thing I am an expert in it is perspiration. "If they need someone to check for sweat, I am their man!" When I thought about it, it made perfect sense. Once those runners stop sweating -- they're in trouble.

I made my way to Confederation Park and saw the "Sweat Check Tent" sign. I wondered if they had tents set up all along the route or if we sweat checkers were to be deployed from this main base to locations along the route.

Well blow me down if I didn't have it all wrong. It turns out the Sweat Check Tent is a place where the racers leave their belongings while they're running the course. Having all those valuables at my disposal was mighty tempting, but in the end, I decided that it wouldn't help me get the prize I really want.

Do you think the Dragon Boat people might need a sweat checker?