'Tis the season for politico Christmas cards... *

* Original image: Emperor Haute Couture from the fertile mind of Kingston artist Margaret Sutherland.

** Shooped accessorization from the fertilized mind of coyote.

The world needs Lo-Rez Ipsum

A few weeks back, whilst I was conducting an impromptu if spirited inventory of the trashcan behind Fourth Dwarf's place, as us coyotes are wont to do of a warm summer evening, he lifted the lid and invited me to get the hell out so he could dispose of his garbage. Then he invited me inside to watch a little cable, so long as I stayed on the newspaper on the floor, and away from his couch.

We lit the screen just as Here Comes Honey Boo Boo sashayed onto, ummm, The Learning Channel. It was like witnessing the wreck of a train full of obese, neckless passengers in real time -- no slo-mo about it, bubba! I was horrified in moments, but the Short Guy is made of sterner stuff.

"We're watching it!" he ordered. "It'll be educational!"

It was. I learned that the evil trolls who produce Honey Boo Boo have, against the odds, managed to tamp the ever-lowering cultural bar into a fresh grave somewhere beneath sub-sub-basement level. I hadda take a midnight swim in the Ottawa River to clear the air after. And I ain't impugning the reputation of the Dwarf's trash, either.

It was a harbinger of things to come. A couple of days ago, certain of the Irregulars noticed a net-based lorem ipsum generator modelled after Fifty Shades of Grey. As soft-porn cultural phenomenons go, Fifty Shades is a really, really badly written one. And selling like cheap chocolate bunnies right after Lent.

Lorem ipsum, for the uninitiated, is a body of random-pseudo Latin text that graphic designers put where text should be, when the real words aren't written yet. It's a way to mock up what the finished page looks like. So a Fifty Shades-based lorem ipsum generator is probably some kind of smart marketing move in certain circles. Some of us might even applaud, if we'd thought of it.

In fact, some ESIs even wondered whether we could use it to automatically write one-click posts for this blog, so we'd never ever have to look at, or think about, the damn thing ever again. When cooler heads prevailed, we decided that so long as we're blighting the webscape, we'll stay an original blight.

But what to do about all the cultural bar-lowering offenses that aren't ours? Honey Boo Boo and Fifty Shades prove they're epidemic! And they burn our eyes! They burn! How the hell do we get rid of 'em?

Then the genius idea: An ESI Lo-rez Ipsum browser plugin, to blur out everything that offends. We'll get rich! If we ever figure out a business model...

Lug nuts and the census

So, even when faced with near-universal opposition, and even when the Chief Statistician quits in protest, the government has no problem trashing the mandatory census long form: "It's intrusive!!!! We're pandering to our loony fringe base, dammit!!!!"

So we coyotes will try to explain the issue in terms that make sense to the would-be defenders of this move, WHO ALWAYS SEEM TO FULL-CAP THEIR (OFTEN FURIOUSLY UNGRAMMATIC AND ANONYMOUS) FORUM COMMENTS: the lug nuts on that cherished Chevrolet half ton you use to earn your living.

Suppose your neighbourhood garage guys - call 'em Steve and Tony - say outta the blue that they want to replace all your lug nuts with Dodge lugs, because they think Chevy is arbitrary and intrusive for insisting on Chev lug nuts. Hell (they reason), Dodge lugs look pretty much the same, so no problem, right? Oh, and? Steve and Tony can pump gas, but neither's ever worked as a mechanic.

Would ya buy that, Durango? Nope. Because you, lug nut connoisseur that you are, know that Chev and Dodge lugs have different diameters, thread pitches and chamfers. Assuming they even sorta fit, those babies are gonna strip out, or leave wheel slop. Your wheels will come off, someplace inconvenient and possibly fatal.

There are a bunch of trucky things you could customize that, arguably, wouldn't wreck the ol' Silverado's utility: running boards, exhaust stacks, a big pair of them fine-looking chrome bull balls hanging off the trailer hitch. Dodge lug nuts, not so much.

Now, assume your pickup is a census. (It's a metaphor, Durango. Work with it.) See, reliable census information is Canada's business edge. Lotsa smart people rely on it to make sure the country as a whole can earn its living more efficiently. As every civilized country in the world aspires to.

A mandatory long form is intrusive, but a small price to pay for citizenship in this country you claim to love so much. Much like obeying stop signs at intersections. We work co-operatively toward common goals, unlike, say, those anarchists you hated so much at the G20. To do anything else is to court rump of skunk, and madness.

A voluntary long form is pretty much like Dodge lug nuts on your Chevy - doesn't match. Reading statistical trends properly makes tracking changes accurately over time really important. Even if you label the data you collect by the same name, changing the method you use to collect it means that you can't reasonably compare it with, well, anything that came before. The wheels come off. Just like that Chevy.

Now, I'm only a dumb coyote, so here are my questions: why would you trust an ill-fitting lug nut named Steve to change that? Why does Steve think some lug nuts are more equal than others? And why, if Steve keeps saying his opponents are unpatriotic and unCanadian, is it always him that seems hell-bent on changing this country, lug nut by lug nut, into something unrecognizable...?

Just askin'...

Going Down is Going Up

On July 29, the Ottawa Citizen reported that a shocked couple complained about three books they discovered on the Ottawa Public Libraries "on order" list. [Citizen Article]

It's not clear who the couple are nor whether they wanted their complaint to be publicized.

This means it is an open question: Are they misguided prudes who don't realize that calls for censorship increase readership and that librarians are freedom-of-speech, anti-book-banning zealots who will hear their complaint as a reason to order even more sex manuals? Or is this couple a pair of devious sex manual publicists?

Whoever they are, I hope they complain about my book when I finally get around to writing it. Even if they don't, I'm grateful to them for making me realize I need to drop my working title: the meaningful little book of life with Jesus.

Get out your library card and click these links to get on the reservation list:

• The Going Down Guide
• The Sex Instruction Manual : Essential Information and Techniques for Optimum Performance
• The anal sex positions guide : the best positions for easy, exciting, mind-blowing pleasure
• The little book on meaning : why we crave it, how we create it
• A Meaningful Life
• A spectator's guide to Jesus : an introduction to the man from Nazareth

Minutes: Emergency Meeting 27 Nov 2006

27 Nov 2006 Emergency meeting

Minutes by: I.O.
Redacted by: █████████

Venue: The Usual Place
Present: Agatha, The Chair, Coyote, Fourth Dwarf, The Independent Observer
Absent without good excuse but with attitude: Conch Shell

Emergency: ██████████████████

Coyote: ████ wants to ████████████████ with ████ ?

The Chair: Clearly ██████████████████

The IO: ████ might as well have a ████████████████ me."

Coyote: I'm not sure I want to ███████ ████ .

General discussion of ████████████████

Aggie phones Conch Shell, exclaims "Omigod!" CS tells Aggie to instruct the group not to make any big decisions.

The Chair: The ████████████████ drama.

The IO: I.e. █████████ same as always.

Aggie discusses her plans for more openness on her blog, which may involve yoga and the opening of chakras.
4D suggests Aggie reveal her true feelings about the other ESIs.

Aggie and the IO workshop an idea for the ESI blog based on 4D's draft post ████████████████

The Chair again raises the ████████████████████ ████ ████ .

4D: ███████ ████ up now.

Coyote: More than before. He surmises the change of ███████████████ a ████.

Some honourable bloggers: Can the ████████████ be far behind?

Consensus: We don't want to █████████████████. We would rather continue on as now, with varied topics and the search for a new muse, with Aggie yet striving to fill the role.

Despite the desire to avoid ███████████, we agree the possibilities are rich:
(*)████████████████
(*)█████████and ████████
(*)██████████ connection

Discussion: Have Bob, Minty or Lana █████████████ ? Will "████████████████████████████████████████████████ ?

Specious "theories" of ███████████ are proferred, met with open guffaws and eye-rolling.

Discussion: Who's hotter? "██" or ████? Consensus: Easily ████. Recap of ████ relationship with ████████████. The Chair wonders aloud why he ever wanted to ████ her. Robust analysis of ████████'s finer points.

Agatha: Hello? Sitting right here?

General apologies and rationalizations. In which Aggie's feelings are callously ignored.

Coyote: I revel in my inadequacy.

The Chair: I embrace my inadequacy as often as I can.

The 4D suddenly challenges CS's decree that we cannot make a big decision without her.

Discussion: Should there be minimal posting-frequency standards for continued membership in the blog? E.g. at least one main post a month or five comments?

More discussion: the ████ assertion that ████ does not really know us. ████ is wilfully blind. Maybe ████ should join the ESIs?

The IO: We used to be worried about whether our metablogging would ████████████████, now we worry whether not metablogging will ██████████████.

Discussion of 4D's sketching technique morphs into speculation about a certain Ottawa journalist’s apparent fetish for IT guys and her refreshment habits, as well as her exhusband’s alleged personality disorder.

Aggie: "Personality disorder" is just a polite way of saying "f*ing a*hole".

Discussion of optimal posting length. Consensus: one screen is plenty.

Aggie proposes Elgin Street Nostalgia Week for next April to mark the second anniversary of the blog.

Discussion of ██████████ blog, ████launch, ████, ████and likely sex life.

4D: Given her liberal application of ████████████████████, it looks like ████ is the ██████████ in any relationship equation.

Banter about Venus Envy. Agatha likes it because the sales people are attentive. The others either avoid sex shops or, if frequenting such establishments, would prefer to have a very distracted male cashier serve them. 4D used to buy condoms at Big Bud's but did not relish discussing his purchases with the 16-year-old cashiers.

██████ once bought condoms at Shoppers Drug Mart for a young friend, then promptly ran into a senior colleagueat the checkout. He winked knowingly.

Discussion of the lame XPress Blog Awards.

Oddly, the ████████ was sighted recently at the ████████ with a box of fishing tackle (insert witty remark here).

Uncharacteristically, 4D embarks on a philosophical flight of fancy: Just 'cause you're on a plane doesn't mean you're going toward your destination. The ESIs agree a more appropriate saying, given ██████ recent luck, would be: Just 'cause you're in a ████ , doesn't mean you're going anywhere.

The meeting drew to an unceremonious close.

Waidaminnit...!

Okay, that thunderclap over the Gatineau Hills this afternoon must've finally jarred something loose in my doggy brain. I knew something hadn't been hanging right lately. Positive karmic shi(f)t aside, I mean...

Okay, here's the thing: We've allowed the lcp to go unremarked, for what amounts to a pretty glaring double standard, at the very least. We'd divined that he probably had asked 5M to keep him out of the blog, and had ascribed various quasi-noble motives to do with relationships. Like, oh, didn't want something very private and very special made very public, or something like that...

So meanwhile, why the hell did he get to merrily plaster the city with his broadside ode to 5M? Huh? Huh?

Addressing the Silence

Agatha and Conch Shell have certainly picked a good time to be away from the web, 5M is virtually silent.

I have a hypothesis I would like to extend. (Even though you all hooted down my suggestion the other night that Bill Clinton might have actually been in love with Monica L).

What if things are hot and heavy between 5M and the lcp? Could it be that the lcp has told 5M that he doesn't want their relationship blogged? If this is the big thing going on for 5M, she would have nothing else to write about. Perhaps the lcp saw the "Don't go looking for me to disappoint you" posting and didn't realize we'd find it flattering.

If so, what does this say about the lcp?

Is he just doing what any right-thinking serious, relationship-minded fella would do?

Or is he stifling the 5M's creativity? Blocking her from the artform at which she excells? Essentially become her anti-muse?