Emergency Meeting Minutes: 2009-09-19 [H1N1 and how to insult the ESIs]

Venue: The Usual Spot

Present: Agatha, 4th Dwarf, Coyote, Woodsy, Independent Observer (late)

Absent: Chair (with regrets, no excuse), Conch Shell (no regrets, reasonable excuse)

No discussion of who will takes minutes. 4D just starts taking notes.

1. H1N1 Emergency Plan

4D: Do we need a plan for H1N1?

W: I just need a bag to put your dead body in.

C: Garbage Bags are good enough for me.

4D: Right. Garbage Bags.

C: At what point does this plan diverge from our Zombie Attack plan?

4D: Good point. We could just do the relevant modifications to our Zombie Attack plan.

A: That way there's no redundancy.

C: Who wears the hard hat?

Agatha agrees we need a hierarchy. After a brief discussion it is unanimous that the unassuming Fourth Dwarf should be the ESI H1N1 Emergency Coordinator. It is then agreed that there should be a Back-up ESI H1N1 Emergency Coordinator. Someone hardy, with a cool head and no dependents. The Independent Observer is the unanimous choice.

There is then a brief discussion of where we will hold emergency meetings if the Usual Spot is not feasible. Those present acknowledge we may need to investigate teleconferencing. [Ed. note: Or perhaps we should have our avatars meet somewhere in Second Life?]

As though aware that an honour had been bestowed upon him, the IO arrives. He is briefed on the elements the ESI H1N1 Emergency Plan:

  1. Garbage bags
  2. Otherwise same as Zombie Attack Plan except for relevant modifications
  3. H1N1 Emergency Coordinator = 4D; Backup H1N1 Emergency Coordinator = IO
  4. Emergency meeting venue to be determined
The IO agrees to all elements of the plan H1N1 Emergency Coordinator. "After all, I have a telescope."

2. How to Insult the ESIs

A certain suburban blogger posted this week that he was returning to his blog after deleting it following being made into a conversation piece by "some negative douchebags".

Could he be talking about someone else? Various members debate this possibility.

4D: Enough. He is talking about us.

But didn't he come to see that we are really not so bad? What was the exchange anyway? Did he call us crows or vultures? [Coyote: It was crows. "A murder of fucking crows".]

4D: Enough. Of course we are fine people and didn't do anything wrong. The real question is what should we do about his blog?

W: We should support him and welcome him back. Just like we did the mayor.

A: Should we suggest he might not have started on the right foot?

W: No!

4D: Should we engage in a dialogue on the misogynystic and sexist nature of the word "douchebag" as an insult?

W: Can you put in the minutes that Aggie is cringing?

4D: But seriously. The word refers to something that was a feminine hygiene product. It came to be associated with promiscuous women and the word was used as a synonym for "slut". Now it is used for mostly for men that are disliked and gets its sting from being associated with women's reproductive organs.

Woodsy proposes that we analyze insult words and determine which ones will not be sexist, racist or in some way demeaning to other people.

  • Cocksucker - No. [Demeans gay men]
  • Cuntlicker - No. [Demeans lesbians]
  • Motherfucker - OK. [This follows discussion in which it is clarified that this is not offensive to MILFs. A person called this word is not fucking a mother, but instead is fucking their own mother. While using this word as an insult may demean incestuous children, we are okay with that.]
  • Asshole - OK [Not demeaning to any segment of the population. C: Everyone's got one. A: But not everyone is one.]
  • Wanker - OK [This is heatedly debated. Some insist there is nothing wrong with masturbating and so the word demeans people who do a benign activity. 4D insists that it is a valid insult because masturbating is not generally appropriate when entertaining others is involved. It would be hypocritical for a group that has engaged in SRW since it began to be opposed to use of "wanker" as insult.]
  • Bastard - No
  • Faggot - No
  • Fucker - OK
  • Fuckface - OK [It's not the same as cocksucker.]
  • Crow - No [Can't dis crows. Puts down the animal world. Crows are smarter than people.]
  • Vulture - No [They're the cleanup crew.]
  • Ferret - No [C: All part of nature's shopping mall. 4D: Since when did we become a branch office of PETA? I think vulture and ferret are good stinging insults that don't demean anyone outside the target]
  • Snake - No [C: tastes like chicken.]
  • Felcher - OK [Unhealthy practice, obscure word but insulting]
  • Shit - OK
  • Shithead - OK
  • Son of a bitch - No [Because of the problems associated with "bitch"]
  • Scumbag - OK [After some discussion on what the word is about, 4D states it is a used condom.]

A: That's it! The perfect insult for the ESIs. Write this up.

IO: Can you include a graphic? With one for each of us including little tails?

4D rolls his eyes and notes in the minutes that if individuals wish to insult us without being thought of as sexist misogynists, they would do well to call us "scumbags" rather than "douchebags".

3. Jasmine

Coyote proposes that we address the issue of the mayor's new press secretary. "Is she still hot?"

4D: Do we need a united position on this?

Woodsy, Aggie and IO ignore Coyote and the Dwarf and discuss eye wear. The topic lapses.

4. The Reality Show Post

4D notes that there was no reaction to his post about reality show opportunities. The others reassure him that it was a worthwhile post. Perhaps too long for our regular reader's attention span, notes Coyote.

5. Cedric

Woodsy asks IO why Cedric didn't attend the Patti Smith concert in Florence. The IO's quiet response is buried by the background noise of the Usual Spot. 4D doesn't ask for a repeat because he doesn't care where the little gnome goes.

6. Tea with Woodsy

Woodsy shares her idea of having tea or sweets with notable individuals and blogging about it. The Irregulars are highly supportive.

7. Jasmine Again

Coyote brings up the Jasmine topic again. This time there is more discussion, but 4D doesn't take notes. Instead he puts away his minute book and the meeting devolves into a generic conversation.


TWFKAH said...

The Chair had a great excuse, pardon me.
All I can say is, "many thanks" to a "certain suburban blogger" for providing such excellent grist for the mill. Boy, did you walk into it buddy.

Aggie said...

Wow! You have really captured all of us in that scumbag. Nice.

zoom said...

The Minutes are your finest work, and always have been. You should meet more often. The graphic is amazing, and the analysis of the insults is so lushly and graphically detailed! Who would've believed the CSB would be coming back with such style, or coming back at all, for that matter? Not me, that's for sure. Will Woodsy be taking him out for tea?

Anonymous said...

Before I even read what Zoom had said, I, too was going to say that The Minutes are, and always have been among the ESI's best work. Also, if you have ESI Scumbag t-shirts printed up, I'd be proud to buy and wear one.

4th Dwarf said...

Whatever you say, XUP!

coyote said...

"Scumbags'"? "Garbage Bag" is good enough for me. It's even in the minutes...

Anonymous said...


4th Dwarf said...

A garbage bag instead of a condom?

Coyote, I had no idea that you were planning to enter his worship's big swinging dicks contest.

coyote said...